I’ve also published this essay on CollegeHumor.com. So if you’d prefer to read it on a dark background, you can see it here.
The One.
by Brian Eden
“I fell in love. It was a great thing to be in love. I was a complete idiot in love. I always say getting married was a ball. I had a blast getting married. Loved it so much I got married six or seven times or whatever it was.” – Kid Rock
“And now, Kid Rock would like to share some vows that he has written himself.”
– Minister
1. Lisa. What can I say. You’ve been the rock behind Kid Rock. You make me happier than [expletive]. These past two months have been the bomb. The A-bomb. And the casualty is my heart. You take my heart and make it beat like techno. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m an idiot for you, Lisa. I want you by my side forever.
Length of marriage: 3 months.
2. Bambi, this is real, girl. I look into your eyes and you know what I see? I see forever. You and me. Kids. A family. All that [expletive]. I’m in love with you, Bambi. I’m an idiot. I want to take you around the world. Disney World. Disney Land. Euro Disney. I want you to be my Minnie Mouse. And I’ll be your Mickey. Cause, oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey. Hey Mickey. You know what I’m sayin?
Length of marriage: 4 days, 3 hours.
3. Verushka, you’re more than just a soul mate. You’re my future. My love for you is like your English vocabulary. It grows bigger every day. I love the way you turn to me in the morning. And you look into my eyes and you say, “You daddy happy happy chicken monkey ok?” And, [expletive]. I love that. Because I am happy happy chicken monkey. And I want to be happy happy chicken monkey with you forever, Verushka. I’m an idiot.
Length of marriage: 1 year 11 days.
4. Dana, Dana, Dana. I know you think I’m just saying this cause I’m [expletive] drunk and we just met in the Cracker Barrel bathroom an hour ago. But when I get drunk, it makes me honest. And I’m an idiot for you. So let me tell you this [expletive] cause I’m bein’ honest. I. Love. You. Elvis as my witness. You listening, Elvis? (Puts hand on Elvis Impersonator’s shoulder) I love you. (confused for a moment, then looks at Dana) I love you like a rock. You know. Like Paul Simon. (singing) I looooove you like a rock. (vomits) Come here I wanna kiss you.
Length of marriage: 5 years.
5. (or 6). Pamela. They always say the 3rd time’s a charm. But I say [expletive] that. I’ve been married like 4 or 5 times or whatever it was. And, baby, this time is the charm. The 5th or 6th time. Cause you and me are [expletive] perfect together. We go together like Cool Ranch and Doritos. I remember the first time I ever saw you, it was love at first sight. The way you rescued that chick with that Hasselhoff mother[expletive]. Pamela, before you, I was drowning. And you came and gave me mouth to mouth. And then you gave me mouth to [expletive]. I’m in love with you Pamela. I’m an idiot.
Length of marriage: 3 months, 24 days
Walk a mile in my underpants 