Category Archives: Favorite Posts

I've had it up to here, Canada.

“A flying micro-robot has been developed by researchers at the University of Waterloo in Ontario. The micro-robot has pincers which can be opened by heating them with a laser. When the laser is turned off, the pincers cool and close.” –

Ok you better listen up Canada and you better listen good. I am not ok with this. If there’s one thing the world does NOT need right now, it’s tiny flying robots with pincers and lasers.

I’ve had it. As if we don’t already have enough to worry about.

I mean, Jesus H. Christ. I thought the pirates were bad. With everything else going on, it was like, hey. What could possibly make things worse? Oh, of course. Pirates.

But now, no? Now we have to worry about paperclip-sized robots flying around, pinching us and shooting us with lasers?

Do you hear me Canada? I can not handle this crap from you right now. This is really bad timing.

We’ve got the recession thing. We’ve got the Swine Flu. We’ve got the Middle East. We’ve got Kim Jong friggin’ Il over there acting like a heavily armed Tom Cruise. And now you? With the robots and the flying and the lasers? What’s next? Invisible lions? Toilet sharks? Insult-comic ninjas that beat you up and put you down simultaneously?

You were supposed to be the polite one, Canada. The one with the bacon and the syrup and the leaves. But, yeah. I guess it makes sense now. It’s always the quiet ones who end up inventing the flying robots.

And what’s the deal with those pincers? Huh, Ontario? What kind of crazy sonofabitch decided that the lasers weren’t good enough? That the tiny flying robots also needed the ability to pinch people and maybe give them purple nurples.

I thought we were friends, Canada. But friends don’t secretly build tiny laser-shooting robots behind friends’ backs.

And Washington: WTF? How did this slip through the cracks? That’s right. I’m looking at you, CIA. How did we not catch this? Did you not notice the booming international black market for tiny pincers and Lilliputian lasers? The shipment-upon-shipment of itty-bitty Fedex boxes crossing the Canadian border?

And speaking of the border: Sarah Palin, turn around. You’ve been keeping an eye on the wrong neighbor.

Maybe our government missed it because we’ve been so worried about Cuba. We’ve been patrolling the waters because the Cubans might sneak into Florida and apply for a job. But as far as I know, none of those jobs involve shooting us with lasers!

Meanwhile, Canada’s up there cackling and perfecting the teeny wings.

This is bad. This is really bad. Has anyone called the Pentagon? Are we even vaguely prepared for flying robots? Last I checked, we’ve got a whole bunch of really expensive weapons that are all really really really big. I don’t think the stealth bomber is going to be a whole lot of help in fighting an enemy the size of a sugar packet.

Dammit Canada. I am so angry at you right now.

Ok, listen up Washington DC. Here’s what we’re gonna do. Forget the economy. Forget the Swine Flu. Forget the pirates. And forget the pistachios. I want the Canadian border closed, I want 4 million square miles of giant mosquito netting stretched from Michigan to Mexico and I want all that leftover stimulus money redirected to arm our citizens with laser-proof flyswatters.


This is getting ridiculous already.

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Brian Eden performs at the Baltimore 510 Reading Series

Somehow I managed to sucker my way into the lineup of three featured readers at the Baltimore 510 Reading Series.

The 510 is Baltimore’s only dedicated fiction reading series and typically features extremely talented writers who have been published and then translated in a variety of countries like Sheepronesia and Koalastan.

On November 15, they lowered the bar and included me.

I read two essays, “A brief and unpleasant run-in with my ex” and “Fear the laundry.”

Here are videos from the performance. Enjoy.

A brief and unpleasant run-in with my ex:

Fear the laundry:

(Special thanks to Craig Strydom for filming the event.)


Border Blunder

“Government watchdogs have found that thousands of people who shouldn’t have been admitted to the United States were mistakenly allowed in last year because of security lapses at legal border crossings.”

Please stay on the lookout for the following security threats:

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A Tale of Two Salamis

DISCLAIMER: Though seemingly impossible, all of the following facts, (except where blatantly false), are true. At least, according to Wikipedia.

The early 90’s were the golden age of sausage.
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Radio Mercury Awards Video


I recently learned that I got named finalist in the Radio Mercury Awards. All finalists were asked to create a video. You can get a sneak preview of mine right here:

A Brief and Unpleasant Run-In With My Ex.

I was walking to my car.

She was standing there under the awning. Smoking. Her hair was different. But there was no doubt it was her.
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A Little Off the Top

I opened my closet doors, thumbed through some shirts and wondered, “what do you wear to a circumcision?”
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The Suffering Must End

Wherever there is hardship in this world, there is someone else who’s trying to help. Be it oppression or adversity. Cruelty or injustice. It seems that everyone has an advocate.

But, sadly, there’s one group whose anguish has gone overlooked for far too long:

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Boston, MA

A few weeks ago, I went to visit my friend Mark in Boston.

Or so I thought.

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Fear the Laundry

Last week the laundry situation got out of control. Code-red out of control. Dirties shot out of the hamper like a pan that’s been loaded with too much popcorn. The wicker lid clung to the top of the clothes for dear life.

Something had to be done.

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