A Tale of Two Salamis

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DISCLAIMER: Though seemingly impossible, all of the following facts, (except where blatantly false), are true. At least, according to Wikipedia.

The early 90’s were the golden age of sausage.

From 1992-1995, the world’s meat grinders went into overdrive and forever changed the history of enormous eats.

It was a global arms race in giant sausage development.

And it started largely without warning.

On June 16th, 1992 the world’s largest salami surfaced in Flekkefjord, Norway. It was 68 feet 9 inches long and 25 feet in circumference. The behemoth salami weighed 1492 pounds.

The Flekkefjord Salami sent shockwaves through the global butcher community. It made headlines in every major butcher publication including Snout, The Bloody Apron and Ham Aficionado.

You should’ve seen the centerfold.

But then, the unthinkable happened. A mere three years later, a group of revolutionaries in Kitchener, Ontario upped the ante. With the creation of an epic sausage. It was 2877 miles long.

What would follow would be the biggest conspiracy in the history of the world.

Our story begins in Flekkefjord, Norway.

On the morning of June 16, as the sun flecked the fjords, the small town awoke to find their skyline forever altered. There, among the fjords, a great Salami rose on the horizon. It was a thing of beauty. Longer than a New York subway car. Wide as a tree trunk. And at 1492 pounds, it weighed more than a Holstein cow, and nearly as much as an Outback Steakhouse customer.

You might say that the Flekkefjord Salami was a modern-day Stonehenge. A breathtaking display of human determination and ability. An unsurpassed feat of meat.

But as glorious as the salami was, one can’t help but wonder why.

What possesses a group of Flekkefjordians to wake up one morning, put down their lingonberries and say, “hey, yjou kknjow what we shjould djo tjoday…”

To understand the underlying motivations of the Flekkefjord Salami, you must first understand the people who built it.

As you know, the Kommune of Flekkefjord is in Vest-Agder county. “It’s the westernmost town in the SØrlandet region. Bordered by Sokndal and Lund in Rogaland County to the west, by Siridal to the north, and by Kvinesdal to the East.” (Wikipedia)

Not exactly salami country.

Especially when you consider the town’s pre-colossal salami history.

In the 1700s, Flekkefjord subsisted primarily on herring fishery, and barrel making. The townspeople made their livings by exporting the region’s abundance of timber, fermented trout and consonants.

I should mention that the Great Salami wasn’t the first newsworthy event in the sleepy fjordside town.

In 1832, a Flekkefjordian discovered the mineral Xenotime. This was met by much fanfare, yodeling and clogging. As you are aware, Xenotime is a rare yttrium phosphate. “It has two directions of perfect prismatic cleavage and its fracture is uneven to irregular (sometimes splintery). It is considered brittle and its streak is white.” (Wikipedia)

Could this discovery have something to do with the creation of the giant Salami?

No. I just wanted to say “perfect prismatic cleavage.”

To understand the Flekkefjord salami, you have to go back much further than Xenotime. 900 years further. To the 10th century.

And the Vikings.

Long before their breakthroughs in colossal cured meats and rare yttrium phosphates, the Norwegians were the world’s foremost trailblazers in navigation, seafaring and beard growing.

In fact, many claim that noted pirates like Red Beard, Blue Beard and Kenny Rogers were merely paying homage to the beard-growing legacy started by Egil Skallagrimsson, the noted Icelandic warrior and poet, Sigtrygg Silkbeard, the Viking king of Dublin, and Sweyne Forkbeard, the son of Harold Bluetooth and namesake of Swansea, Wales.

In addition to their revolutionary whisker grooming, the Vikings were incredible travelers. During this period, Viking influence extended across Europe, Greenland, Iceland and even as far as Africa, the Middle East and some parts of Uranus.

Vikings plundered and pillaged far and wide. Evidence is still seen today in town names like Vestrbygd, Greenland, Birka Vikingastaden, Sweeden and an unpronounceable town on the coast of Portugal that consists of 13 Ks, 3 Vs, and
5-7 Js.

The Vikings are also responsible for naming Worm’s Head, Wales. “Worm is the Norse word for dragon, as the Vikings believed that the serpent-shaped island was a sleeping dragon.” (Wikipedia) This also explains the curious name of the mountain, Boogeyman’s elbow and the nearby lake, Toothfairy’s Vagina.

But back to the Salami.

As you know, Salamis have no bones. So, you might think that the Flekkefjord Salami was a tribute to famed Viking leader “Ivar The Boneless, disabled son of Ragnar Lodbrok, who, despite having to be carried on a shield” still managed to plunder and conquer much of Europe. (Again, not making this up. You can ask Wikipedia.)

But Ivar the Boneless had nothing to do with the giant boneless Salami. (Though some attribute his influence to the invention of boneless buffalo wings.)

In fact, to understand the Viking connection to the Flekkefjord Salami, we must first revisit the 2877 mile long sausage from Kitchener, Ontario.

At first glance, the Kitchener Sausage appears to be an isolated event. A show of one-upsmanship between the Kitcheneraneans and the Flekkefjordians.

But could the two giant meat products be more closely related?

Here’s where it gets really juicy.

Everyone knows the story of Christopher Columbus. Columbus, an Italian explorer, was commissioned by the Queen of Spain to find another route to Asia. On the way, he accidentally discovered the New World.

But here’s the thing.

Columbus didn’t discover the New World.

Leif Eriksson, a Viking, did.

It is perhaps the biggest cover-up in the history of the world. Ask any schoolchild, “who discovered America,” and they’ll surely tell you Christopher Columbus. For over 500 years, the Italians have managed to take all of the credit.

But recently, more proof has leaked out in support of Leif Eriksson. Evidence suggests that Eriksson made landfall in Newfoundland around the year 1000, established colonies and traveled throughout much of Northeast Canada.

“In 1931, a railroad brakeman named James Edward Dodd found a broken sword and fragments of an axe and shield near Beardmore, Ontario. Upon extensive examination, European Norse experts agreed that the relics were authentic Norse weapons.” (Wikipedia)

Viking relics. Purposely left in Beardmore, Ontario. A town named for the very people who made More of Beards.

A mere 552 miles from Kitchener, site of the sausage.

But that’s not all. In 1898, a farmer near Kensington, Minnesota found a 200 pound slate entangled in the roots of a poplar tree. It was covered with ancient Viking etchings. Thus suggesting that the Vikings penetrated as far as Minnesota.

Kensington, Minnesota is located just located 20 miles from a town called Elbow Lake, Minnesota.

The town is home to Flekkefjord Lake, Flekkefest, and it is the Sister City of Flekkefjord, Norway.

This can only mean one thing.

The Flekkefjord Salami and the Kitchener Sausage are not two random acts of enormous encasing.

These sausages are linked.

That is to say, both sausages were spawned by the heirs to Leif Eriksson and his band of merry Vikings. They were developed in protest of Christopher Columbus and the Italians. And as a tribute to Leif Eriksson, the true founder of the New World.

Granted, my theory may seem ridiculous.

That a group of Canadians and a group of Norwegians would join together in rebellion against a common historical wrong. And that they would express their rage not through words. Not through violence. But through the creation of impossibly vast meat products.

But consider the facts.

First, the Flekkefjord Salami. Which, at 68 feet 9 inches long, is approximately the length of a Viking Longship. Perhaps the very Viking Longship that Leif Eriksson piloted to North America.

But that’s not all.

In Fourteen-Hundred and Ninety-Two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

In Nineteen-Hundred and Ninety-Two, Flekkefjord created a ginormous Salami.

Exactly 500 years after Christopher Columbus.

Remember that Leif Eriksson discovered the New World 500 years before Christopher Columbus.

Also, it’s well documented that Columbus was a first-class jerk. But now, 1992 would be the largest Columbus celebration in history. The Quincentennial anniversary of his dubious achievement.

So what better way for the Leif Eriksson heirs to take the wind out of Columbus’ sails?

Than by erecting a giant Italian prick.

You see, sometimes a 68 foot long salami is not just a 68 foot long salami.

Still not convinced? Consider this.

Columbus sailed in 1492.

The total curb weight of the Flekkefjord Salami?

1492 pounds.

Also. Christopher Columbus was born in Genoa, Italy. A city best known for its salami.

And what about the Kitchener Sausage, you ask? How does that fit into the equation?

You might want to sit down.

The Kitchener Sausage was 2877 miles long.

If you stretch it out from Kitchener, the other end of the sausage would land 2877 miles away.

Dead-center in Iceland.

The birthplace and homeland of Leif Eriksson.

Coincidentally, Iceland adopted their national constitution on June 16th.

Guess what date the Flekkefjord Salami was created?

June 16th.

Am I crazy? Perhaps. But I know to give credit where credit is due. I know that Leif Eriksson and his fellow Vikings are the recipients of the biggest snub in the history of the world.

And I also know this:

On June 9, 1992, a week before construction of the Flekkefjord Salami, a Flekkefjord fjarmer was out tilling the lingonberry fields. The sun was shining. The breeze licked the morning dew off the lingonberry blossoms. The herring frolicked in the nearby fjords. It was a day just like any other. But then, the Flekkefjord fjarmer heard a voice.

“If you built it, He will come.”

A week later, there was a giant salami.

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One thought on “A Tale of Two Salamis

  1. morrelle says:

    Hilarious! Oh dear heavens, I will never see salami the same way.

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