Chicago, Day 4

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You can tell a lot about a neighborhood by the graffiti on the bathroom walls.

This morning, I went to Gourmand, a coffee shop on Printer’s Row.

They had this bit of wisdom on the bathroom wall:

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(“If she ever gets back to stay, gon’ be another brand new day. Necrophilia is dead!”)

That’s either very strange poetry, or the most unsuccessful song lyric in the history of blues music.

Either way, I’m sure as hell never living on Printer’s Row.

After breakfast I went to Grant Park to see Buckingham Fountain.

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Best known for its appearance in the opening credits of Married with Children, Buckingham Fountain is ginormous. It contains 1.5 million gallons of water. (That’s 1,499,980 gallons more than Roy and Belinda’s fish tank.)

The fountain is visited by more than 5 million people a year, and makes each and every one of them have to pee.

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I was looking through the viewfinder on my camera trying to frame a shot of the fountain. When all of the sudden, from out of nowhere, a Segway street gang attacked!

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I was seriously afraid for a minute.

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Thankfully, moments later, a group of teenagers came to the rescue. They pushed all of the Segways over, shouted “NEEEEEEEEEERDS!” and ran away.

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(Is it just me, or does this seem a bit redundant?)

Here are some random pictures from around Grant Park:

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(That’s a nice statue. Really. Fantastic craftsmanship. FOR ME TO POOP ON!)

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(Da Bears.)

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(Um…no comment.)

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The great thing about Chicago is that there are these amazing architectural details everywhere. The bad thing is that they’re often completely wasted on their tenants.

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After Buckingham Fountain, I walked to Millennium Park. And guess what? Those green glowing monolith things are completely different during the daytime!

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They’re fountains with giant LED video screens. They put a huge face up on the screen. The eyes look around. They blink. Then the mouth opens and a huge stream of water squirts out.

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Why did they spend all the money to create this?

So that kids can act retarded. That’s why.

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It’s actually pretty amazing. The people of Chicago are geniuses. Give your kids all the chocolate they want. Then turn them loose on Millenium park for 20 minutes and they’re completely spent.

Every city needs one of these things. Hell, every block needs one of these things.

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Millennium Park also features a huge auditorium, designed by Frank Gehry.

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The backsplash is apparently supposed to look like flower petals. (I think it looks more like a tattered Hershey bar wrapper.)

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Oh, but that’s not all.

Millennium Park also features a 66 foot long jelly bean that’s made out of polished steel.

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It tastes like crap. But it reflects everything and very well might be the coolest piece of public art I’ve ever seen. (Apologies to The Hermaphrodite at Penn Station.)

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(This is the inside of the jelly bean. There is no creme filling.)

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Here are a few other random pictures from the day.

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