Why I'm Fasting

Today is Yom Kippur. And so on this, The Day of Atonement, I ask for forgiveness for my sins oh Lord.

You might want to sit down.

For starters, I skipped synagogue on Rosh Hashannah. So I should definitely apologize for that. It was VERY wrong to ditch Temple in order to go to the Virgin Music Festival at Pimlico Race Course. I should’ve spent the day listening to the Shofar. Not The Flaming Lips, The Killers and The New Pornographers.

Those last two seem especially sinful. Granted, The Killers and The New Pornographers are just band names. They’re not actually murderers and smut-makers. But still. It seems especially inappropriate that I cheered wildly when they were announced. So I’m sorry for applauding them. And also for exclaiming: “The New Pornographers are fucking gods!”

Sincerest apologies for using the lord’s name in vain and for worshipping false idols. I certainly didn’t mean to break the Ten Commandments. Especially with this being the Holy Day of Judgment and all. I only meant that the New Pornographers were fucking gods in the figurative sense.

I should also apologize for not eating the traditional Rosh Hashannah foods. I know you’re supposed to eat apples and honey for a sweet New Year and round Challah bread to symbolize the cycle of the year. But I didn’t eat either of these things.

Instead, I ate a burrito. And for this I’m sorry.

Speaking of food, I ate bread on Passover.

Specifically, Prosciutto di Parma, mozzarella and basil on an lightly toasted ciabatta bun. And, though it was delicious, it was also wrong. So I owe an apology to both god and Dr. Atkins, may he rest in peace.

I’m sorry for mixing meat with dairy. Combining pork and cheese during Passover is the Kosher food equivalent of a double homicide.

My bad.

While we’re on it, I should admit to a handful of other not-Kosher things this year.

Sorry for: bacon, ham, and pork chops.

Also: pork loin, pork ribs, pork leg, pulled pork, salt pork, porchetta, pancetta, Prosciutto di Parma, salami (both wild boar and domestic pig), andouille, chorizo, mortadella, soppressata, hot Italian sausage, sweet Italian sausage, breakfast sausage, blood sausage, lard, baloney, pepperoni, country ham, Canadian bacon, hot dogs (not Hebrew National), kielbasa, bratwurst, knockwurst, frankfurters, cracklings, tripe, steamed crabs, crab cakes, crab dip, crab soup, cream of crab soup, clam chowder, clams casino, steamed clams, steamed oysters, steamed mussels, oyster bisque, oysters on the half shell, lobster bisque, whole lobster with drawn butter, lobster ravioli, lobster salad, shrimp salad, steamed shrimp, shrimp scampi, shrimp bisque, bacon-wrappped shrimp, crawfish, langoustines, sea scallops, bay scallops, diver scallops, squid stew, calamari, grilled octopus, grilled squid, escargots, sea urchin roe, eel and any fish that don’t have both scales and fins.

In May, I ate veal. I know there’s nothing specific about this in the Torah, but still.

Oh, before I forget, I should apologize for the whole Hanukkah thing. I know we’re supposed to light the candles for eight straight nights. But I only lit them for one and a half nights. And they weren’t consecutive. Deepest regrets for forgetting to light the candles on nights one, three, five, six, seven and eight. And for blowing them out when they were only half-way burned down on night four so that I could make it in time for happy hour. I probably shouldn’t have done that. Even if the buck fifty Miller Lite specials only went until 8pm.

As an aside, sorry for calling Sukkot “that holiday where you hang fruit and shit from the ceiling.” I’ll try to remember the proper name this year.

Yom Kippur is also “The Day of Reconciliation With Others.” Therefore, I apologize for making inappropriate jokes about the following:

Polish people, Catholics, Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, Richard Simmons, White people, Black people, White people who think that they’re Black people. The French, Indian people (both Native American and Asian Indian), Chinese people, The Village People, Korean people, Japanese people, politicians, plumbers, mimes, Greeks, the cast and crew of Baywatch, dogs in sweaters, the Mafia, opera singers, people with mullets, beauty pageant contestants, men with cell phone holsters, all Spanish speaking people (especially the Mexicans), Canadians, cross-dressers, Hindus, helmet-owners, Michael Jackson, The Kansas City Royals, chronic halitosis sufferers, clowns, guys with mustaches, women with mustaches, Oprah, people who say “aks” instead of “ask,” Communists, bicycle cops, blind people, deaf people, Massachusetts drivers, spelling bee contestants, the people who are starving in Africa, anyone who has ever requested Freebird during a concert, Target Team Members, people who breathe from their mouths, people who live in trailer parks, People who play Megatouch alone, the drinkers of Schlitz malt liquor, women with abnormally large hands, vegetarians, vegans, moyles, people with bling, the cross-eyed, Mormons, mathematicians, hand models, Pittsburgh Steeler fans, male ballet dancers, urbanites who drive Hummers, British dentists, the patrons of Rochester Big and Tall, adult diaper consumers, anyone fitting the description “The Great Unwashed,” the one-armed guy in Def Leppard, Maryland Governor Robert Ehrlich, Maryland Governor Robert Ehrlich’s barber, members of the Backstreet Boys, referees, hairy people, mini-van owners, counterfeit Oakley salesmen, plastic surgery patients, postal service employees, homeless people, male strippers, proctologists, people who stick the letter “Z” in nizouns and vizerbs in all their sizentences. prisoners, guys with pleated pants, guys who pair Birkenstocks with socks, Shriners, Trekkies, feminists, the Starbucks corporation, ugly people, people with vanity plates, boy scouts, synchronized swimmers, anyone who has actually fallen and they can’t get up, Maryland State Fair produce contestants, Djibouti, Intercourse Pennsylvania, Creed fans, people who snort while laughing, rappers, people from the south, people dyslexic, male cheerleaders, people who say they’re from New York and when you ask them what part they reply “Trenton,” fat people, sweaty people, lacrosse players, people who reenact things, the mothers of the New York Yankees, old people, nudists, the Amish, Dick Butkus, the readers of Cat Fancy magazine, Martha Stewart, people who wear size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL white tee shirts, fraternity and sorority members, people who make a whistle sound when pronouncing the letter “S,” the handicapped, accountants, the schizophrenic, the clientele of the Speedo corporation, David Hasselhoff, fast food restaurant employees, the US Olympic Curling Team, all past and present residents of Dundalk, Essex and the state of West Virginia, all past and present students of Ball State University, sheep farmers, lawyers, reality show contestants, Yanni, short people, short people who drive fast cars, guys who pair denim shirts with denim pants, a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves, a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of a lake, bald guys, guys with comb-overs, guys with hair plugs, guys with toupees, blondes, jockeys, speed-walkers, Republicans, midgets, and retards.

I will try to be more understanding in the coming year.